Secret Dreams

It’s funny how life works, isn’t it? How often do you meet a person that you think you can share everything with? To be completely honest and loyal and truthful. To put them before you, not because you should, but because you want to. 

But love isn’t easy. You can’t read minds, or make them talk to you. They cover what may hurt, but it hurts more to know they hid it in the first place. 

In the end you can only ask for as much as they’re willing to give. As much as you’re willing to receive. As much as you’re willing to let go. 

I have friends who love quotes. They post them on their facebook, as their IM status, on tumblr and twitter. 

I also appreciate quotes - I have posted a few on my own tumblr and read the quotes of the people I follow. But I’ve never really understood why people would post lists and lists of quotes on to their “about me” section on facebook. It’s hard to imagine that the words of another person (whom they often do not know) can describe in words about you that you yourself can write. 

I guess I’ve always had a relatively impersonal relationship with quotes. I read them, agree or disagree, think it’s original or funny, then move on. I suppose that’s a little ironic to have such a fleeting relationship with words that have withstood the test of time. 

In a society where social media is often one of the first impressions, introduced early in a new relationship, I’ve been pondering the way people represent themselves, I suppose, on such sites. Photos, relationships, the number of friends, your schools, your major, your favorites.. It’s easy for people to think they know a person these days, isn’t it?

I’m not saying people with quotes on their page is bad or anything, I just think it’s interesting. I wonder why they choose it. I wonder if people think what others think when they write them, or post what they post.

And me? My info page is pretty much the bare minimum. But I do have tons of photos with my friends, I don’t delete posts for privacy or hide my photos from friends. I don’t post relationships or make groups of friends. I don’t think anything would be considered surprising by the people who’ve met me (even if just once or twice). 

I bet if I posted a status (that didn’t involve promoting some event or club), people will think I’m wasted or hacked.

And if I posted a quote? “What’s got you all philosophical?” 

What superhero power would you want?

Flying, invisibility, teleportation, super-human strength?

I think flying is the most appealing one for me. I think it’d be fun to feel what it like to fly, free in the air, with no planes or hang gliders, or parachutes. No safety chords or rope to catch me. Practically speaking, though, teleportation would be useful, as well as freezing time – during exams I really wish I could just stop the clock for a little nap!

I would definitely not be a good superhero, though. Even with super powers I wouldn’t have the guts to do anything. I would love to say that if given a pressing situation, I’d be the one able to step up and save the day, but I probably wouldn’t. People always watch the shows and movies where the people looking on are all weak or scared, but I know if I was in that situation, I’d be standing right next to them. Or even behind them.

But just for fun, a superpower would be nice.

If you could know what the meaning on life was, would you want to know?

I don’t think I would. My personality would never really accept the answer, if there is one. And I don’t think there is one answer. I don’t think there’s a role or meaning that we must fulfill. I don’t think there’s a predetermined line to our lives that we’re meant to walk.

And if I did know, I’d probably resist it. Unless it was the path I was already on. Then it’d make me sad that I was doing “so well.” Weird, I know, but that’s the truth.

Would you want to know?

I’ll tell you a secret. I feel like crap. I’m afraid of what I’ve done. I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m angry about how I’ve acted. I’m sad but I still smile. And I’m ashamed that I pretend like it doesn’t bother me. 

You see, I’m not the best at communicating. I get upset at the weirdest things. Sometimes I don’t even know why. So there’s two ways you can deal with it: 

1. ignore it
2. talk about it

I’m good at 1. 2, I feel like I should be good at it. I type everything here anyways, I should be craving for the attention, right? Well. Not really. I wouldn’t mind if no one noticed - it’s embarrassing. 

I know I should talk about it. It would be useful to the other person, I wouldn’t have to get upset again. I think and think about how I would say it, when I would say it. I would create the entire conversation in my head.

But where it comes time, they’re standing right there; I don’t say a word.

If they ask what’s wrong, I say nothing. How am I? Fine. Fine isn’t good. I know. 

And I’m cruel like that. I know it’s mean. I know it upsets him. But that’s what happens in reality. Where I don’t think straight. I’m too afraid to tell the truth. I don’t think about the other person. 

To the americans, I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. To everyone, happy monday. 

I’ve spent my entire weekend thinking about my mouth, as my homework for a drawing class I’m taking this quarter is to draw a realistic portrayal of my mouth in graphite and to make it interesting. And there’s a 6 hour minimun requirement for it. I’ve draw small scale pictures, various poses (and items to go with in) with different compositions before i decided on one. Then I drew it for 3 hours Saturday. Then scraped it. Then drew some more small ones. Drew 2 hours last night. Scraped. Restarted today afternoon and worked until now (2 and a half hours) for a mediocre set of lips. 

I find my attention span can’t last much longer than 2 hours so I’m taking a break before I draw a tornado of butterflies flying out of the mouth. I have a performance to watch tonight, so I will probably be staying up late tonight to finish it (I doubt 6 hours will be enough now…)

It’s been a long time since I’ve worked on such a long project. Recently I’ve been doing about 2 hour short roughs with bulkier medias like charcoal and pastel, so a media like pencil with its sharp point feels especially tedious. But again I’m reminded how patience is key. 

You see, shapes are never quite exactly as they appear. I can draw a set of lips from memory that will look convincing. Stick it on a face, with some eyes and a nose, and you get a face. But then you look at the lips closer, you see the curves you never pay attention to, how it connects to the sides of your mouth, the way the shadow falls. Suddenly your lips appear bigger than you’ve ever noticed. (well, I’ve always thought my lips were quite petite.)

So the outline is deceiving. The shadows trick your eyes, making them appear smaller, the curves secretly hidden in plain sight. 

Nothing’s as they seem. 

I was talking about this with my friends today, but was reminded again when I got home reading my friend’s post. 

Often, when a person confesses (most of the time the guy), and the other person doesn’t feel the same, thing get awkward. And weird. And sometimes leads to altogether ignoration (and no, I do not mean ignorant, spellcheck.) 

I had a guy friend who used to rant about this to me - he admits to having feelings, the girl freaks out, says she needs times, and never talks to him again. Of couse, I’m smart enough to have that same guy friend confess to me, and I freak out, say I don’t know what to say, he says take some time, and I never call him back. What a horrible person, huh? 

In my defense, he was seriously my closest friend at the time and I really needed a friend. I wasn’t getting along with my girl friends and I wasn’t close to anyone at school (he was a year older and graduated from my school by then). We shared everything about our lives with each other. I told him about my crushes and he told me about his. We talked about gossip and family and clothes and movies. He knew things about me no one else knew, and I secretly called him my “non-gay-gay-friend”. 

Was it wrong of me to think it was possible to be just friends? 

I guess it’s always suspicious when a guy gets especially friendly, especially when they weren’t so beforehand. Chatting everyday, texts, ims, making up reasons to meet up and coming to my place. I guess I should’ve seen it coming, but I honestly never do. 

My friends say I’m naive or slow or that I secretly can feel it. But maybe I’m defective. The second those words come out of their mouths (though sometimes its very lame and not even the right words, or words at all for the matter), I sort of freeze. All sorts of thoughts rush through my head - when did this happen? Should I have known? Were there signs? I should have seen this coming. What can I say to him?

And I hate to admit it, but truthfully at the time I selfishly thought he had betrayed me. My friend, who I have told everything to, who knew how I was so conflicted over another guy, who knew I was beginning to warm up to him. Maybe he knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. In the end, I wonder what would have happened if I had trusted him as a friend (who never liked the other guy) and done things differently. 

So yeah, I have that awkward ending, too. I miss my friend sometimes, but I know its hard for him to talk to me now, too. I probably really disappointed him because I always said I was different from the other girls. Maybe I was wrong. 

I’d like to say (now that I’m older and wiser) that if the situation was to happen now, I would handle it much better. I’d speak properly and express my ideas fully instead of letting the guy assume whatever he wanted and then just avoid the awkwardness. But in all honesty, I may not. I don’t do well under pressure. I panic playing mario cart. 

I try to think, and I don’t remember, why exactly I first loved you. 

All the time I tell myself to get over him already. It was a beautiful memory that was good for me, but now it’s over and I need to move on. But there’s so many unanswered questions, so much regret, guilt, and excuses. I can’t help but fall into an area in-between. 

So how did the mess start in the first place? As all my disastrous relationships start: as friends.

All the horrible signs were there. He was never interested in me before, and never spoke to me. “Ah well, people change. I should give him a chance.” It’s the end of the year. “We’re about to go to different colleges.. but It’s never to late to make friends; we get along so well.” He kissed me out of the blue. “I thought we were just friends.. but he’s so nice. Maybe it will be good for me, to enjoy this experience.” He says he loves me. “He must mean it.” He never tells a soul. “Maybe he’s right. It’s none of their business. He’s a private person, we’re not the PDA-type.” He stops calling. “He must be stressed about his first midterms.”

And that goes on until my sad, naive self realizes that he’s dump me, that I’ve been dumped. 

So I guess I kinda got caught up in it all. I sort of knew in the beginning it probably wouldn’t last. It was my last summer in the city, my first uncluttered by the endless summer schools, prep classes, work, and extra circulars. I was so focused in doing well in school that I thought I deserved a break. And it would be nice to have someone to share it with.

But when he said he loved me I believed it. If it was just a fling I would have been satisfied with just playing around till summer’s end. Having a cheerful parting while still on good terms. But I guess we were both fooled into something that was too big for the both of us. 

Cute story time! :)

I have a friend who’s grandparents live by the sea. They got married when they were 18, and have stayed together for 62 years. Every summer their grand daughter visits with her friends, and they buy them brunch, biscuits and jam. The couple is always together, hold hands when they walk down the street, and call each other “mama” and “papa,” even when it’s just the two of them. 

Isn’t that so adorable? 

Speaking of my twin, Do you guys have friends who make play families? HAhah I know so many of my guy friends who think it’s so bizarre, but I actually have a couple “families” :)

I have a couple from middle school, but I don’t really remember them too well (opps), but a couple from different groups of high school friends too (I’m a drifter.. cliques makes me annoyed sometimes ») Somehow, I’m always some sort of husband, though. Sometimes the family gets extended or combine, so I turn into this person who marries a guy, cheats with a woman, and has some other secret guys on the side, while my husband is in the closet (sigh, These are sort of also the result of us being bored and resorting to elementary games like MASH and truth or dare.)

Some of kind of funny though, concocted from inside jokes and poking fun at people (my husband in the closet, for example, never goes to any sort of events unless “his guys” are going). But it’s also so hilarious because my “husband” is one of the only people I’ve gone to school with so long, but would be the last person I’d ever date!

Then, there’s one where two of our good friends (finally) started going out, so one of our friends decided the guy needed a good “man-to-man” talk to protect our precious girl, so I became the father, and she was the wife, telling me what to say the whole time (women do have the power. LOL)

Others, like my twin, is someone who I’ve known, went to school, and worked with for so many years that we’re so amazed at how different we turned out, despite a two day difference in birthdays. 

Another started out when I was talking to an upperclassman, two years my senior, who was telling me to do something (i think it was like shower, or sleep, or something), so I  replied, “okay, mommy.” Then he replied, “No, I’m your DADDY!” And thus he becomes my old man, and my favorite friend (shhh, don’t tell anyone, but I love her the most! hehe) became his wifey, cuz she’s WAY OUTTA HIS LEAGUE! (sorry i just like picking on him.) 

I think it’s so funny, though, that such stupid things come out of random late night conversations / boredom. They’ll never be my real family, but they’re damn close!

Response to XI (Original post), Response to XII (Original post), Response to XIII (Original post)

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I don’t know if it’s kinda stupid to say this… But I honestly assumed a lot of asian kids were first generation when I was growing up. I grew up in a pretty diverse area, so it don’t really have the experience of being the only asian kid in an entire school of while kids (plus that one black or latino kid in class) that we hear so often about. But I’ve only recently found out that a lot of 2nd or 3rd generations. Some as many as 4 or 5! (the crazy-ness! haha)

This is in part because I really did know a lot of first generations. My family was always very open to relatives and friends who first immigrate and they move in, and we help them get on their feet. Out parents are really tight knit, because it is so tough to get settled, and my mother always helps them with paperwork, visas, green cards, and that other legal stuff to make sure everything’s straight and proper. My mother saved my family when she married my father to come to America. She gave up everything for us.

 So I always thought I’d see myself with a first generation kid, who was like myself, or who immigrated at a young age. These days I see it as so rare to find someone as connected with their culture. People who’ve never been in China even though they’re chinese. Who don’t speak a work of it, who don’t speak to their grandparents in another language. 

It’s really hard to have that same connection. My mother always thinks when something goes wrong with my sister or me, it’s because of our lack of communication. She worries that my kids won’t be able to talk to her, that I wouldn’t be able to teach them Chinese. I’m not very good at Chinese, and I probably will never be. But I still would want my children to learn it.  

I think culture’s such a large part of a person’s identity. You come from your parents, your grand parents, and their parents. Where they come from makes them who they are, and thus forms you, too. 

That being said, I think it’s cute when people try to learn about either other’s culture. Definitely sharing something really personal about yourself. I have a friend who’s asking me questions right now about Cantonese. She’s a cute latina girl who’s trying to learn Cantonese to impress my (fake) twin’s mother :)

Sorry I’m behind :P Response to IX (Original post), Response to X (Original post)

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I thought your post about what aspects you consider when looking at someone was so organized and thoughtful. I makes me really think about all the aspects that I didn’t write about. Honestly, I don’t remember what I even write about, so reading your responses makes me go back to see what I wrote, and really question everything. So thank you :)

One thing I never really thought about was motivation/ commitment, which you talked about a lot. My family is full of teachers on my mother’s side (which I am much more closer to). We value education very much and have a high respect for our teachers and elders, so everyone in my family is pretty educated (aside from my mother’s and father’s generation, where they really didn’t have the opportunity to go to school). Therefore, there’s a lot of expectation for my generation to sort of make it up. My cousins, sister and I all go or went to pretty good schools.

A lot of my friends think my family’s pretty impressive because they know about my sister and me, but I think it was a pretty natural path for us, because we always worked hard for it. It wasn’t really a surprise, and I never questioned would I be going to this sort of school. (No, I am not talking about ivy leagues. It might seem pretty mediocre to some, but pretty good when it’s talking about a first generation immigrant from a social-economically poor neighborhood.)

So when my ex found out he didn’t get into the school he wanted, he was very disappointed. None of his sisters went to a university, while he got accepted, but he always had bigger expectations of himself. He refused to tell me for the longest time while he attempted to appeal, so I had no clue and always thought he would get into the school he wanted. So of course he had no pity when I was crying on the phone because I didn’t get the scholarship I wanted - at least I was in, right? 

I’ve always felt really guilty that he didn’t get in. He was smart, meticulous with his work, constantly schooling me in chem. He wanted to be a doctor, worked in a lab during the summer. I always looked up to him, because he had a goal while I was at a loss, since I finally got into the school I’ve always worked for. What was I supposed to do now? I felt like I didn’t really want it as bad, that I didn’t deserve it from the heart.  

Of course, it wasn’t my fault. He was the one who decided against some AP classes, and I wasn’t there to tell him otherwise. It all happened before I truly entered his life, so it wasn’t a matter of “if only I had said something”. But I’ve always felt that he was ashamed that I had done better than him. Perhaps ashamed isn’t the word, but he wanted to be better.   

After we broke up, I asked my sister if he had liked him. She said, honestly, I deserved a guy who knew that he wanted me, and thought I could find a smarter guy. 

I don’t know, honestly, if I wanted a smarter guy or not. I thought he was smart. I’ve met tons of guys who are smarter, but I don’t think they really added the same sort of wit and humor to the conversation. A lot of them try to be all proper and intellectual about everything. Nothing turns me off more than a word used in conversation that I don’t even understand. I think there are people who are smart without even showing it. 

Check it outtt: Response to IV, Response to V

Response to the Response of my series!

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Reading Kiwiko’s post about the whole music thing, I think he brought up a really good point. I was talking about how I’d want the guy and I to have a compatible taste in music, and he said he wouldn’t mind if the girl listens to something else, and then teaches him about them. 

I definitely agree- As you can see from the my few posts of music, a majority of my music is r&b/hip hop, and that’s the largest effect he’s left on my everyday life. Before I listened to a lot of classical, pop, and oldies but I didn’t really listen to the more popular/current radio stations. It wasn’t until I started to hang out more with him & our friends that I was more exposed to it, and it grew on me. Now it’s pretty much all I listen to.

Well, it’s not exactly what he listened to. I like what I consider more “girly” songs, and I definitely listen to a more undiscovered artists on myspace and youtube rather the more mainstream ones he liked a lot. But I guess when he showed me something he liked, I learned about it, did my own research, and found something I really love, which I might have never done otherwise. 

So I don’t mean to say that I’d want to like the same exact things at all. Just as long as it’s not totally horrible, it might grow on me. (And he’d have to give my stuff a chance too!) 

People have strange effects on each other, huh? Never know what they can teach you :)

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I’d love to read your thoughts! Send me a message or link

(random.. but the numbers are getting bigger *_* hope I count correctly~! :P)

Response to a response! hehe, Super awesome poet and buddy kiwiko has written responses to my recent series of posts and I really enjoyed reading them. He always writes with such thought and honestly which I really appreciate and recommend everyone read :)

Click to read: Response to I, Response to II, Response to III

Not really a totally direct response, but whatever I felt like saying/inspired by his words.
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I’m always, always surrounded by couples, especially now during the summer where I’m seeing a lot of my high school friends. Everytime I see them, I’m so amazed and pleased that they are still together (I’m talking about six or so couples), because I know how hard it is for them (three are going to different schools) and how much they struggle with it but still remain together.

So when I see a couple, of course I get envious sometimes, but a lot of the time I get all gushy and think they are so-so adorable! They give me faith in a stronger love and loyalty in people, and I hope I (and everyone else) will have the same thing in their lives. I know it’s not realistic to think that they will all (or any) will remain together forever, but their commitment regardless, will never fail to impress me.

When it comes to love I’m a lost cause. No one can stop me from “aww”-ing at all my friends when it comes to even the smallest crushes, and I’d probably be the instigator of the whole “when to call” situation. I’d probably say “you’re sooo cute” a bajillion times, stare at them with oogely eyes, and smile non-stop like an annoying creeper. But OH-WELL!

Now, usually I’m pretty respectful of people’s privacy, but if someone asks me if I have anyone special in mind, I consider it fair game for me to pry back! It’s only fair :P

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I’d love to read your thoughts! Send me a message or link

Happy Friday the 13th everyone! How do you feel? I’m not exactly very superstitious, but I can’t say I’m not either. Has anything freaky happened to you on a weird day before? How about good luck days? 

For me, nothing’s really happened on friday the 13th’s before. But I guess another day that something did happen was on 6/6/06. I remember that weekend one of my advisor/boss people was paranoid and actually flew out of the country for a mini-vacation. He wasn’t like “The world is gonna end!” but more like “well, if something does happen, I’d want to be in a pretty place.” Maybe he just wanted a vacation~

Anyways, the rest of us decided to still meet up (we were pretty chill, talked and ate a lot together lol). That morning I stepped out of the car, I actually slammed the car door on my hand! The part where there’s a metal triangle (i guess it’s the lock mechanism) actually pierced into the meat between my thumb and index & it REALLY hurt!

Actually I’m not sure how much it really hurt, I just got really numb (from the shock?) and had to squat for a while before my senses came back. 

So that’s my one and only story~ Not really creepy. More like stupid-clutz story… Haha

As for good luck stories, my auntie got married on 7/7/07! The couple visited my family yesterday ^^